Most people will tell you its better to date a while before you get married. There seems to be a general feeling of disapproval for anyone who doesn't know each other for at least a year. I've especially heard a lot of people criticize Utah Mormons for getting married too fast. I got married to my husband after knowing him almost a year, and yet when people ask how long we knew each other before we got married, I still fudge a little on the exact timing, leaving out that we only dated for only about four months of that. And when I say, "about a year", people always say, "oh good. I don't think you should ever rush into it."
Well, the whole thing is silly, and its a fallacy to boot. As with many fallacies, it comes from a partial truth. Of course you want to get to know one another before you get married. But how long does that take? There doesn't seem to be a magic number on dating time for optimum success. Some will tell you the longer the better. Well, I hate to say, that just isn't true. Statistically speaking, time dating doesn't seem to make that much difference on long term success.
There are two exceptions to that of course. Those who elope after knowing each other too short a time (as in like a day or two) don't give themselves great chances of success. The other exception is those who wait too long. Particularly those who co-habitate. If you believe that waiting longer gives you greater chances of success, you'd think that people who live together for a few years would know each other so well, being married would be a snap afterward. But statistically, those who live together before getting married have about 50% more chance of divorce. Crazy, but true. Why? Didn't they know what they were getting into? I've watched many a Divorce Court with such cases, and they always say, "Well she changed," or even more often, "I though he would change and he didn't." It appears that getting to know each other well didn't really help them that much. The reasons for getting a divorce were still the same as couples who waited to live together until after they were married. I think the problem is that people change. Feelings change, priorities change, bodies change and in lots of cases marriage changes you no matter how long you were dating beforehand.
There are some things that I think people ought to know about thier spouse before getting engaged: Common values, mutual goals; but in my opinion, commitment level is the biggie. It can see you through most of anything. My parents, for instance, got married after knowing each other no more than 4 months. Lots of people would shake their heads in disgust at that (sorry mom). But my parents have been married for 41 years. They are very different people, they don't think the same, they don't really like the same kinds of things. But because they are committed in their heart to each other, they make an effort to continually cultivate love, to make common goals, and to have fun. So there.
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Probably it takes looking for the right things. Quality vs. quantity of time. You can be blind to a lot if you let yourself.
I guess. :) I personally think that even if the people really kept their eyes open and spent quality time and really knew each other very well still wouldn't really increase their chances that much. I realize that most people would disagree with me which is fine, but the stats seem to support it. Finding out whether your spouse is just as committed to the concept of marriage doesn't really take very long, but it is one of the few things that I think are important to know. that's why so many arranged marriages work out so long. Because they never consider the option of divorce. Yep, I am supporting arranged marriages just to annoy you.
Someone with a family science degree told me that an extensive study showed that the biggest determining factor of couples staying together wasn't communication, courtship or commitment. It was friendship.
And, I would say that divorce isn't the only thing you want to avoid having problems with in a marriage, and that having a greater variety of experiences with a potential spouse could save you from committing to someone with whom you won't be able to maintain a lasting friendship.
Still, I think you are right. Time isn't the determining factor. You can date someone for 2 years, staying in LaLa Land the whole time and still not have the normal life experiences with them to build a committed friendship.
Of course, realize these are the financial opinions of a pauper. :P
True. I do realize I am only talking about longevity here. Though I think that commitment can also be an important key to a happy marriage too.
Just a side note, They got studies to show everything. If you want to see the site that I got my studies from, go to http://www.divorcereform.org/stats.html
I want to comment, but I have too many thoughts, and I'm not entirely sure what my opinion is, so here is just a contentless comment.
Interesting...
Ok. I decided what I want to say. There are no guarantees. Only statistics. And when it boils down to the individual the statistics kind of fall apart. Every day you have to choose whether to keep working at your relationship or not. All you can do is try to find someone who makes choosing "us" over "me" just a little bit easier.
Tell you what though, I know two things: 1) There are certain things I will be looking for to know certain things wont happen to me again. 2) There are other things that I know I should be able to tolerate in any committed relationship, but I now know I don't have the capacity for, so I will be watching for those also.
Another point. I had a friend that told me you shouldn't get married while "In the bubble"... But most people I know were still in the bubble when they got married. I don't know for sure cause I never asked them, but it sounds like good advice. Give yourselves a chance to be past the point of being completely blinded, and past the point of being on best behaviors.
I don't know if anyone will read this since this was posted months ago. But I was talking with Troy about this and he said his Mission Pres. said that to him, the most important thing to look for in a spouse is that he/she is always wanting to improve. If you have two people committed to the Gospel and always wanting to do better, than they will both stay committed to each other as well. No matter how long they dated. Troy and I were engage after knowing each other only 3 1/2 weeks. We didn't know each other at all. But God knew us and He knew that we would be a good companionship and an eternal couple. We have now been married for 3 1/2 years. I know its not long, but it is a great start.
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