Why do men never ask for directions? Its an old joke thats so overused it's become passe. There is some psychological backup for it, however. When a man asks for directions, advice, or even just talks about his problems he is admitting that these are problems that he can't handle on his own. In a way, how ever small or insignificant, he is admitting the superiority of the person he asks advice. This is why men don't talk about their problems or ask advice very often. They would rather work it out on their own if they can. Its got more to do with self-respect than pride.
As hard to understand for women as that is, I've seen a mirroring of that in an issue I've newly become acquainted with: Motherhood.
Motherhood changes everything in the way we speak to each other. Where normally we would happily share our struggles in order to build emotional closeness, when it comes to discussing mothering problems often we keep our mouth shut. Where normally we would respond to other's struggles with understanding and validation, we give only advice. Whats happened to us?!! What is it about motherhood that has changed the way we deal with each other? Are we just as afraid to receive advice as men?
I think so, but we're just not used to receiving it so readily from each other.
Many would disagree with me. And perhaps I am projecting my problems onto everyone else. But in my experience, whenever the mothers around me talk about problems they either talk about them in the general sense, or in the past tense: "Sleep issues are always hard..." or "A while back we were struggling but now..." Just in case no one noticed, this is not the way we talked to each other before or about other issues. And despite my desperate desire for comfort and validation about the subject, I just can't bear to share my feelings for fear I will only receive advice; Like it would mean somehow that the adviser is a better parent and knew intuitively what I was too week and stupid to try. I've even been too scared to read about the subject for fear it would say anything but your struggles are valid and normal. It sounds crazy: suspiciously like a joke by Dave Barry about why men never stop to ask for directions. And yet, when the tables are turned and another mother is sharing with me, I have a really hard time not responding with advice too. But why!!
My theory is that motherhood is just too darn important to us. Its so integrated in the way we feel about ourselves and our divine role and inborn abilities that we just can't risk being told we're bad at it: Or even have it implied. We can't bear to think that everyone around us is getting it, and we're not. So whats the result? We only ever share specific successes and offer advice to each other to show ourselves that we do know what we're doing after all. Unfortunately, this means we get exactly what we were trying to avoid. All around us, everyone is always talking about how easy such and such method was, or how long their baby is sleeping, and since no one is talking about the struggles, deep inside we assume no one else is having any. We get the opposite of the validation we were seeking. Its got to stop! Struggling Mothers of the Universe, speak up! And lets leave the advice for after the comfort, ok? Remember when we always used to do that?
Are we just afraid of advice as men? I think so, it just depends on how close the issue is to our hearts.
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7 comments:
Wow. You really are long-winded. I've always said that about you. "What's Faralee like? Oh, she's pretty long-winded". It sure is fun to ramble isn't it? Not to say that you were. I'm sure I'm the only one who does that. Anyway, I sure am glad you have joined the blogging world. Sometimes being a mom is hard isn't it? I feel ya. here is an e-hug from me. You can redeem your e-hug coupon at www.e-hug.com.
I'm going to have to think about this. It seems to me I've seen sharing of feelings and concerns and doubts about raising kids without too much advice being given. Maybe it's a generational thing, or maybe certain environments or communities deal with that differently.
I'm agreeing with you here. I feel able to really talk about my challenges in mothering only with family, and not readily in other settings. I tend to give advice too easily too.
Not that you asked me, but Elesa has a link to your website so I checked it out. I've found that I'm extremely sensitive about my mothering skills. So much so that I have a hard time hearing things from the only other person who really matters on the issue, my husband. Which is ridiculous since I'm sure everyone has struggles. Well I guess I'm not sure, since I'm so sensitive about it. I like to think I'm also sensitive about giving advice too, and I try not to imply that I KNOW what I'm talking about. I like to think that but I'm probably the same as everyone else. I'll take a big step here and talk about my struggles. Abby (3) NEVER listens, I have to repeat myself 3 or 4 times. She's also an extremely finicky eater. Both extremely frustrating things that I have no idea how to fix. Also when I wake up to a crying baby at 4 am sometimes I wonder whose it is before I fall asleep. Oops. Only to wake up again at 4:05 and realize my shirt and sheets are all wet. oh yeah MY baby. Ha ha, I hope my comment is as longwinded as your post. Marion
Wow! I must really be at my grandmothering stage because my only response to your woes was to chuckle, and remember stubborn kids.
I will pass on a word of advice I heard at Relief Society recently. That was that your children are Heavenly Father's children first, and He wants to help you with them, so don't be afraid to ask.
Anne
Yeah i used to struggle with that too. But things are better now.
Just kidding.
OH yeah right, my life is perfect so just ask me for advice because all around me is perfect and everyone is happy and I have NO PROBLEMS!
You are so right on with this post! My motherhood friends and I never share problems in the present but we all like to give advice. I think we are afraid to show that we are human...hmm, does that mean that mothers are not human? That would be an interesting post.
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